52 New Things -- Week 2 -- Teaching Kindergarten

It's good to face your fears, right?  And it's completely irrational to fear a room full of five-year-olds, I know.  So Thursday morning, when my sub choices were high school chemistry or kindergarten, I chose kindergarten.

Below is a summary of the day.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent the whiners.

5:30AM  Accept kindergarten sub job.
6:00AM  Remember I can't stand large groups of small children.  Consider cancelling.
6:15AM  Remember financial goals which can't be met if I spend the entire day in my pajamas hiding from children.  Take deep breaths and forge ahead.
7:45AM  Arrive at elementary school.  Circle school looking for an unlocked door so I can get into the building.  Consider this difficulty a sign from God that I should not be here.
8:10AM  First students walk in.  Twenty minutes early.  Seriously?
8:12AM  Tie shoe.
8:14AM  Tie shoe.
8:16AM  Tie shoe.
8:18AM  Tie shoe.  Wonder why no one has taught these children to tie their shoes.  Make mental note to start tying triple knots.
8:30AM  Day officially begins.  Try to project confidence as children can smell fear.  Celebrate one of the eighteen kids being absent.
8:35AM  Make children repeat "Tiffany" three times since they are slaughtering "Miss Tiffany."  Realize the name "Tiffany" is foreign to anyone born after 1987.
8:40AM  Release children to "work stations."  According to Montessori schedule, they will be "working" until 11:15.  Try to distinguish difference between "supervising 'work time'" and "large-scale babysitting" to no avail.
8:50AM  Hysterical screaming from corner.  Tyler has fallen off step-stool while washing his hands.  Inspection shows minor scrape to elbow.  Soap, water, and a speech to toughen up, kid.
9:00AM  Spit on three times in thirty seconds while listening to a kid who can't say his p's without some projectile.  Make mental note to back up next time he speaks.
9:15AM  Check the clock. Wonder if clock has stopped working. Check cell phone. Realize no, I really do have to endure this "work time" for two more hours.
10:00AM  Joel says, "I'm starving." Launch into lecture.  "Children in Africa who have no food are starving. You are not starving. You may be hungry, but you are not starving."  Child stares blankly at me and asks when Miss Renee is coming back.
11:15AM  Work time over!  Hooray!  Read a book. Quiet for ten minutes.  Hallelujah.
11:30AM  Walk children to recess.
11:40AM  Scarf down lunch while sitting in a little chair at a little table.  Try to maneuver spoon to mouth without dripping soup on very-much-in-the-way knees.
12:00PM  Head to lunchroom to supervise.  Loudness of classroom times ten.  Headache begins.
12:05PM  Parent shows up to take one girl to an appointment.  Celebrate being down to sixteen kids.
12:10PM  Open Gogurts, Fruit Roll-ups, and twenty other lunch items.  Wonder at what age children advance beyond monkeys re: fine motor skills.
12:20PM  Instruct everyone to wash syrup off hands.
12:25PM  Conduct smell-for-soap test to weed out the sneaky little liars who did not wash their hands.
12:30PM  Begin "quiet reading time" which is really "look at pictures in books time" because duh, these kids can't read.
12:40PM  More "work time."  Consider banging head against wall.
12:50PM  Megan sobs uncontrollably.  Try the phrase, "Use your words." She blubbers something about a book.  Tell her to sit down until she's calm and then try again.  She asks when Miss Renee is coming back.
1:15PM  Sneak two Tylenol out of purse.
1:20PM  More crying.  Why isn't there nap time in this school?
1:30PM  Multiple children come down with headaches and sore legs and request to see the nurse.  Feel foreheads for hotness and send the one that seems to actually be hot to the office.
1:40PM  More crying. More questions of when Miss Renee will come back.
1:50PM  Girl with fever goes home sick.  Cry foul and ask why I didn't get a say in this.  Request to keep her and send home kid who cries every ten minutes.
2:00PM  Kids go to music.  Praise the Lord.
2:10PM  Hold head in hands and wonder why the Tylenol hasn't kicked in yet.
2:20PM  Back from music, someone cuts the cheese.  Try to control sensitive gag reflex.  How can such a horrid smell come out of such a small body?
2:30PM  Zip fifteen coats.  Wonder again about monkeys and fine motor skills.
2:40PM  Load kids onto buses.
2:50PM  Write teacher notes about the day.  Wonder how to nicely phrase comments about excessive whiners.
3:00PM  Drive home thankful this is not my day-to-day job.

So, a day in a kindergarten classroom has just reconfirmed what I already knew: mass gatherings of kiddos do not make me happy.  But points for trying something new, right?